I've got so much going on in my head all the time… It almost feels like there's too much going on in my head. With all the work that I've left behind, and all the work I have ahead of me, it's hard for me to continue forth with courage. And for all reasons known and unknown, I already miss my family… That's the hard part. I honestly felt like it would take a few months for me to really miss them… But I miss them terribly. Every morning I get up and I make myself a French press of coffee, a croissant from the bakery… And I slowly start to miss my mom. Then I go out into the city and I see ultramodern mid-century whatever furniture and I think of my mother-in-law… And I start to miss her too. By the time I go to bed I end up missing everybody in no particular order… It usually starts with going on Facebook and reading everyones' status reports… Seeing the events they plan on going to, or sharing the photos that they took at another friends' birthday party. It's both wonderful and saddening to participate in my old life, from another country, on the Internet.
A very tiny cloud came over the playground and rained just enough to make a cool, backlit photo.
Secretly… Or not so secretly… I know that what I'm feeling is probably jealousy. It's so nice to be a part of this society, if you can get invited to the party. I keep telling myself it's like a club, and to gain entry you have to do things that you don't really want to do… Or maybe it's like a frat? Only if all the smart people were in it. Like that medical fraternity… Or the engineers fraternity, I'm not sure but it's kind of like that. I want to be past the rush phase already… I want to say I've already taken off all my clothes and run through college naked… But I haven't. I haven't even taken my socks off yet.
I think what I really want is to just succeed at something crazy at least once in my life… I do a lot of crazy things. Not like psycho crazy or anything like that, I mean career crazy… It's hard to be in the industry that I'm in let alone to be in the industry that I'm in and not take leaps and bounds of faith. Everything is a test… Everything is a struggle… Nothing comes easy. This is why people become engineers and doctors, not that it's easier or anything like that... well, no, I guess it is easier.
I mean you do more school and you study harder but then you go on to a job and then from that job you move on to a home and then from that home you move on to your family and then from that family you move on with your life and eventually are able to retire comfortably at 65. I'm 35 years old, and I'm still working towards this "dream" with no end in sight. I mean I'm in Denmark! What?! But if you want to succeed in the arts you have to sometimes do what no one else is doing in order to get noticed... not a lot of artists choose to move to Denmark. If you don't consider that at least a little crazy, then you would be here too.
All the sacrifices that I've made in my life, and all the times that I've chosen not to do something easy in exchange for something worthwhile are numerous. Even as I sit here writing this blog, I'm thinking to myself "how is this going to further my career? Will anyone read this and think to themselves this "chick is crazy why would I give her a job? Will anyone read this and WANT to give me a job?" Every move and every step I take is incredibly calculated, calculated from a formula that I've learned over many years of making many mistakes. But it's not in my nature to make a mistake more than once… I try as best as I can to learn from my mistakes, to except the consequences and to move forward from them with positivity and courage.
When I decided to move here… I was told by a few people currently living here that I would either love it or hate it and I would know right away how I would feel. But that's not the truth. It's a love/hate relationship that I have going. It's really amazing here, supportive and full of community... it's vibrant and it's safe… and when the Internet tells you over and over again that the Danes are the happiest people in the world, they aren’t using the word "happy" correctly. The Danes aren’t the happiest people in the world, but they are certainly one of the most secure and security brings a lot of mental freedom.
There are downsides… Somethings are not as awesome as you would want to believe. Immigration here is frightfully uncomfortable, their social safety net is very much underneath them and only them. But they work incredibly hard for it... Harder than any culture I've ever come in contact with. And if they let you just come on in and use the services, this society would collapse in on itself very quickly. So they protect each other and sometimes that comes off as xenophobic… But I get you Denmark, I know what’s up.
They get up with the sun, they go to work, they work, they go to the store and they come home to be with their families. It's not OK to bring work home with you here, but it's totally fine to bring your home to work… also apparently cake.
Oh! And when I told my friend that I hadn’t received a ticket for anything yet, she was surprised… and now I’m worried about getting a ticket for not properly sorting my trash or jay walking.
So here I sit in the warm glow of the morning, ending my second week in Denmark. Still no job… but I’m trying to be cool about that. I did start actually using my Danish. I ordered a full meal using only Danish! AND I (kinda) had a small conversation with an older Danish woman at the park… Kinda. I at least remembered the word for “duck” which I was fairly proud of.
I’m a little stressed out but, you know me, I’m positive and I’m definitely not down and out. I’m just living on a wing and a prayer right now and for as long as I’ve been alive, hard work has always got me somewhere… I’m doing my best to remember that. So, I better get back to it.