Some days I feel very lonely… most days I feel very loved. Oddly enough, the days I feel the loneliest it’s hard to remember the incredible amounts of love I receive most days… I guess this is the most important part about being human and learning how to be a grateful person. Recently my personal life has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride… The ups are as tall as the tallest building ever built and the lows are so low I could probably see the center of the Earth. Under extreme pressure to preform, stressing to keep my head above water, having people rely on me for help and resolve… I’m feeling the crunch and it’s like an egg in a vice.
So I reach out, something I’m working on doing more of in my life. And my friends and family are very willing to respond with kind words and aid… it feels good. In the past, when I’ve had to do something similar, it always felt like the ones I loved would only be there on a partial sense. At the park, between swing pushes and temper tantrums, I might get a word in. At coffee, I would get in a few more but always with the phone in our way… but now, when I say “I need help” it’s a little different… a little more serious, a little more complicated. The gravity of my situation is intense… and I feel like you all have volunteered to come on this rollercoaster with me. It feels amazing to have you all by my side.
I know that “distance makes the heart grow fonder” but I always figured that was on my end and on mine alone. But I feel, on a pretty regular basis, the distance is also on the other end as well. Growing up in California, I got really used to people moving away, it’s just a regular thing that happens when you grow up in San Diego where at least half of the population is from somewhere else and, eventually, go back to where they used to be… but now that I am the one who has taken a hiatus from California, it’s a little different. Moving from San Diego has made my heart grow very fond and I feel the pinch and pull of my friends and family everyday… even after an entire year has passed by.
A part of me wants to give up and go home… let the deadline for Aaron’s final tuition payment pass without grievance and just pack up and bail out. I busted my ass for a year to still owe $5000 to stay and I’m just tired and worn out. Life was so much easier in California for us… the support, my job, the way I was able to make friends with just the push of the “follow” button because that’s how people operate in California. But then I think about all we did, the friends we’ve made, the art we’ve created and all we continue to do to be in Denmark for just one more year. $35000 of my life… gone. 12 months of my life lived, but $35000 of all I worked for, all I sold, all I left… just gone like it never happened. Then I feel like I can push for 2 more weeks.
If we can stay in Denmark, Tess can finish her Kindergarten education…
If we can stay in Denmark, Aaron can get his masters degree…
If we can stay in Denmark, I can get to that two year mark in content production…
If we can stay in Denmark, we can continue to forge new friendships…
If we can stay in Denmark…
At this crossroads I’m so grateful to have such amazing people in my life to see me through it. It’s been a long and arduous year here, one I’m so desperately hoping to see the end to soon… but I can’t help but remember all the wonderful moments and people that have made me want to keep pushing towards just one more year. Without you I would have packed up months ago… On my own I can just barely pay the rent and some groceries here and there, but with your help I’ve been able to provide an education for my family. So thank you to everyone that has donated to Aaron’s final tuition payment… It was so hard for me to ask for help, but I just can’t do it alone.
